


They steal the gravity from moving ground

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bipolar Ian, Discussions of Past Trauma, Diverges from the sorry I'm late scene, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Set after episode 8 from season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 05:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9370079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: Ian's world is turned upside down after his stay in a psychiatric hospital. As he struggles to come to terms with his new reality he finds out just who really cares for him, he never thought it would be Mickey.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this last year but I didn't really want to post it because I'm afraid its just going to cross over into my other stories that I have written. Just thought I'd share this since its lying in my folder for stories. There will be a second chapter. As I said I'm keeping it short because I'm afraid I'm just going to rewrite what I've written in my other stories.
> 
> Story is set after the 'sorry I'm late' scene, kind of an alternate version of what really happened.

Ian's life was over and he knew it ever since he was in that room at the hospital and the doctor sat across from him at her desk and told him he had Bipolar 1 with acute mania and psychotic features. As he lay in his own bed staring at the wall wondering where the hell was his boyfriend and if they still were since Mickey had been MIA since his last visit to the hospital. Ian didnt remember much of that visit as he was so out of it on Lithium he didnt even know where he was as he was just trapped in a heavy mental fog.

Ian didnt really blame Mickey for running to the hills knowing he wanted to do it himself but he couldnt since it was his own body and mind with the disorder and there was no escape at all. But all he could think was that this was his life now and he would never be the same again. He would never be who he was before this disorder decided to make its appearance and he hated it because he didnt know who he was anymore.

He could even see it on his family's faces in the way the looked at him like he was broken and softly tiptoed around him like he would break into tiny shards of glass on the ground at the slightest glance. He could even hear the whispers of him being another Monica but he wasnt sure if they were really saying that or it was just the paranoid whispers in his mind telling him his worst fear of being Monica had finally become true.

But the way they looked at him told him all he needed to know in that yes he was another Monica and he hated it so much because in this family being like Monica meant death. Ian knew something was wrong ever since he had that first crash into depression after Mickey came out in the bar in front of his father and maybe even before that but he didnt want to admit it to himself.

So he ran and hid in denial pretending he was okay until he ended up in hospital and hearing the diagnosis out loud brought him crashing back down to earth and into a cold hard truth that he was another Monica. But now he just felt adrift and wondered if his feet would ever be firmly planted on the ground ever again as a whisper in his mind told him it never would be like that ever again.

He felt a crushing wave of sadness and anger rip right through him letting out a shuddering sigh as a hot tear ran down his cheek but he bit back a sob never feeling so alone and scared in his life. He was broken from his thoughts when heard the door of his bedroom open and was about to tell whoever it was he was fine and to leave him alone because he didnt need his family seeing him so weak and scared.

But when he turned over he saw it was Mickey stepping into the room and quietly closing the door behind him and Ian knew this was when it all ended if the somber look on Mickey's face was anything to go on. This was when Mickey told him he couldnt do this and that everything they built together over the last few years was over. And he couldnt blame Mickey for it either knowing he would probably do the same to him but some part of him knew that was a lie because he could never leave Mickey.

He silently watched Mickey not hiding the wariness from his face as his boyfriend walked over to him blurting out "sorry I'm late" not hiding how much he meant those words. Ian felt the words hit him so hard he swallowed the dry lump in his throat still feeling a little wary but also relieved as a small whisper in mind told him he came back but he ignored the other whisper that told him for now.

Mickey pulled off his hoodie and let it fall on the floor hating that Ian looked so lost, scared and broken all in one while he just ran away and lost himself in alcohol until Debbie told him a harsh truth. He kept his eyes on Ian while walking closer to the bed and when Ian moved back against the wall and lay on his back Mickey lay down beside him on the bed.

He moved right up against Ian's side and lightly ran his hand through Ian's hair before softly kissing him on the forehead and nuzzling Ian's cheek with his face while laying his head on the pillow deciding he was never leaving Ian's side. Ian lightly gripped Mickey's arm with his hand feeling the warm soft skin under his grip not able to hide the relief from his face as another louder whisper in his mind told him Mickey came back.

He quietly whispered to himself 'he always comes back' while letting out a sigh of relief feeling comfort in Mickey lying right up against his side also caging him in beside the wall to his right. It was the first time Ian felt grounded in months and he felt more tears escape and run down his face hating that he still felt so alone in all of this mess that he never asked for at all.

Ian stared at the ceiling trying to stop himself from crying but the more he tried not to the more the tears just fell from his eyes because of everything he lost. He looked over to see Mickey looking at him and Ian couldnt stop himself sadly whispering "I'm scared" not hiding the sadness in his voice or expression. Mickey bit his lip still lightly running his thumb across the back of Ian's head knowing he wasnt lying replying "I know, I am too" in a broken whisper.

Ian felt a sob escape him and he tried to keep his voice down so Fiona wouldnt come rushing up the stairs to check on him as he wiped his eyes with fingers letting out a watery sigh feeling the weight of everything over the last few days press down on him making him feel like he couldnt breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut taking in heavy deep breaths trying to get his emotions under his own control as he felt Mickey get up off the bed and heard him remove his shoes and jeans before climbing in under the covers.

He felt Mickey lay back down in the same position so Ian moved closer to Mickey seeking out the warm body heat even though there was no space left between them in the small bed. Ian felt Mickey pull him closer to him and hold him tightly against him with his arm resting over his waist and Ian wondered if he would ever okay again. They fell into a comfortable silence and Mickey just silently watched a range of emotions run across Ian's face hating that he didnt know how to help Ian.

Anytime he had a problem he either fixed it with money or a beat down but this was something that couldnt be fixed by either of those things. Mickey hated not knowing what to do because he liked being in control as it meant that if something went wrong he could come up with a solution to fix it but now he just felt out of control and he didnt know what to do. He knew Ian didnt deserve this diagnosis and he knew he would do anything if it meant Ian didnt have to live with bipolar disorder for the rest of his life.

But he also knew there was nothing he could do even though all he wanted to do was just rip the disorder from Ian and flush it down the drain but he couldnt do that and he just felt hopeless for it. But he knew Debbie was right in that he couldnt drink Ian away, he tried but found he didnt want to drink Ian away because he just wanted to be with Ian a whole lot more than anything else.

He just hated that he went off the rails a little because things went out of his control and it just made him feel weak. He knew Ian was bipolar for months ever since that first crash but he didnt want to admit it because he heard the stories from Ian about Monica and he didnt want that for Ian. He knew when things were out his control he handled everything badly but now that he was here with Ian he knew he wouldnt want to be anywhere else but here.

He knew he was an idiot for reacting the way he did and it didnt help with the accusing stares he recieved from Fiona when he walked into the house earlier looking for Ian. He didnt even bother explaining himself to Fiona so he just walked upstairs deciding he only needed to explain himself to Ian because Ian was the only person who mattered to him. Mickey lightly squeezed Ian's ribs under the covers licking his lips hesitantly blurting out "I'm sorry for freaking out on you" softly.

When Ian looked over at him he continued "when I saw you in the hospital I freaked out, meant it was all real, I knew something was wrong for months but I didnt want to admit it" sadly. Ian sadly smiled but it was gone as quick as it was there as he turned onto his side pushing his leg between Mickey's so he could get closer before blurting out "same here, just didnt want to admit it" softly.

Ian rested his hand on Mickey's ribs under the covers and looked downwards as he hesitantly asked "are we over" not adding dont blame you if we are. Mickey looked over Ian's face not even hesitating "no we arent" firmly. Ian licked his lips hating the dryness in his mouth from the meds and lack of water intake before whispering "you came back" in a broken voice.

Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head not looking away from him as he ran his fingers through Ian's hair replying "I always do, dont I" but it was more of a statement than a question. Ian looked up nodding in agreement "yeah" softly knowing the words were true. Mickey pulled himself closer to Ian so their chests and legs were pressed right against each other not looking away replying "I'm not leaving as long as you want me here" firmly.

Ian nodded again while wiping his eyes with his fingers hating that he was about to start crying again replying "I cant do this on my own, I need you and I feel so alone, Fiona hates me, she looks at me like she doesnt even recognize me" sadly. Mickey softly kissed Ian on the lips while caressing the back of his head with his hand not looking away not even sure if he should say it but he didnt care replying "youre not alone, you got me, youre never getting rid of me" firmly.

Ian looked at him sliding his arm over Mickey's waist and lightly running his fingers across his spine feeling relieved at the words and that Mickey wasnt leaving him not now and not ever. There was comfortable silence before Mickey blurted out "I love you Ian, I'll never hate you so dont think that" firmly. Ian softly smiled letting the words sink in hating that he just felt so lost but he knew one thing was true replying "I love you too, just scared you will leave since I'm not me anyone" softly.

Mickey shoved against Ian with his body and didnt look away knowing he meant it blurting out "I'm not ever leaving you and I mean it" firmly. Ian softly smiled letting the words sink in again hating there was this urge in him to push Mickey away blurting out "I read the medication side effects, they're pretty shitty, you sure you want to stay for that" shyly.

Mickey knew Ian was trying to push him away and didnt even hesitate "yeah I fucking do so tell me what they are and stop pushing me away because it wont fucking work" firmly. Ian softly smiled with a short scoff hugging Mickey tighter with arms thinking if he let go he would be adrift again which he never wanted to happen as he buried himself closer to his boyfriend feeling another wave of sadness wash over him.

Mickey heard Ian softly sniff where his head was buried under his chin and Mickey almost felt crying himself but he knew he needed to be strong for Ian. Mickey lightly kicked Ian's foot with his own asking "asked you a question" softly while holding Ian tighter in his arms. Ian felt relieved at Mickey's words as he moved his head up resting it on the pillow to face Mickey again blurting out "they can be anything from dizziness to the shakes and nausea and the worst ones are no libido and weight gain" sadly.

Mickey didnt get what Ian was so worried about not even looking away replying "I dont care about those Ian, I'll help you through them, youve helped me through worse" firmly both of them thinking of the day Terry caught them both in the Milkovich house. Ian couldnt hide his surprised expression as he swallowed the dryness in his mouth knowing it was true before sighing in relief wondering how Mickey always knew what to do and how to make the thoughts in his head less confusing.

Mickey lightly ran his hand up and down Ian's back under the light sheet covering them both not even hesitating "you've always had my back, no one else ever did so let me do the same for you" not adding I will do the same for you. Ian seemed to pick up on what wasnt said but then he always knew how to read Mickey as a small smile worked its way across his face and small whisper in his mind told him that he wasnt alone.

It was more than he felt days ago or hours ago but he wasnt sure if he could do this because he just felt so scared but Mickey always made him feel not scared and alone. He was glad Mickey didnt leave knowing he needed him so much not even hesitating "I love you too" firmly. There was silence as Mickey narrowed his eyes letting out a small laugh replying "I said that five minutes ago" humouredly.

Ian softly laughed and it was a genuine one replying "I know, just needed to say it, just need you a lot" not adding I hate myself for it and for being so weak. Mickey didnt even hesitate "I need you too" softly as they fell into comfortable silence. A short time had passed before Ian looked at Mickey blurting out "I cant stay here" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian wanting to ask why but didnt get the chance as Ian continued "I want to go home with you" sadly.

Mickey grinned at Ian's words feeling warm at the way Ian considered his home their home tightening his grip on Ian replying "you know you can" firmly. Ian softly smiled before letting sadness sweep across his face replying "but Svetlana's there, she hates me" in a sad tone. Mickey lightly pushed back some of Ians's hair from his face not looking away replying "fuck what she thinks, anyway I told her to leave if she didnt like that you were coming home so she left" firmly.

Mickey didnt tell Ian that she packed his stuff in a bin bag and was going to dump it in the trash because Ian already felt like shit and there was no way in hell he was going to make Ian feel worse that he already did over the whole kidnapping situation. Ian slightly nodded his head swallowing down the cotton taste in his mouth before blurting out "I dont think Fiona wants me here anymore, she keeps looking at me like I'm about to break" sadly.

Mickey nudged Ian's foot with is own replying "so we'll go home tomorrow, not leaving now I'm too comfortable" lightly. Ian softly laughed nodding in agreement replying "yeah same here" softly as they fell into another silence. Mickey knew the second he walked into the house earlier that there was lot of tension coming from Fiona and he hated that she was treating Ian so delicately and he wondered if she even knew Ian at all.

Mickey knew Ian hated being treated like that and there was no way he going to treat him like something that was about to break because it was still Ian and no disorder was ever going to make him see or treat Ian any differently. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when Ian blurted out "I dont want to take the meds, they make me feel like shit, I cant feel anything" sadly.

Ian looked downwards not hiding the shame from his face and voice adding "I know I love you but I dont feel it and I know its the meds" pausing before adding "I feel like I'm dying and I cant breathe" not hiding the sadness in his voice. Mickey's breath hitched and he didnt dare look away from Ian and just hugged him tighter to him never wanting to let go as he felt his own tears start to form.

Mickey didnt know what to say before hesitantly asking "but the meds adjust right, we got to give them a chance right" curiously. Ian nodded blurting out "yeah but its taking too long" softly. Mickey lightly gripped the back of Ian's neck and when Ian looked at him he didnt hesitate in replying "I dont care if you dont want to take them or not, I still love you and want to be with you" firmly. Ian felt the words hit him hard as he ran his fingers along Mickey's chest replying "you shouldnt have to put up with my shit" sadly.

Mickey scoffed "I know I fucking dont and you know I wouldnt be here if I didnt want to be so fuck you for saying that" in a hurt tone laced with anger. Ian looked downwards as he felt that sting of shame again whispering "sorry" softly. Mickey felt the anger drain out of him replying "its okay but just dont make it sound like I'm here out of obligation or some shit when I'm not" softly.

Ian nodded looking up at him "I'll give the meds a chance but if they dont work I'm getting new ones" softly. Mickey ran his hand through Ian's hair softly smiling at him replying "that sounds like a fucking plan so then that's what we'll do" softly. Ian softly smiled to himself at the 'we' and he wondered if maybe all of this, the whole diagnosis would be easier to get through now that he knew he we wouldnt be doing alone.

Mickey nudged Ian with his body silently looking at him before blurting out "lets get some sleep and we'll go home tomorrow" softly. Ian shook his head feeling a tiny bit better than he did a few hours ago whispering "yeah" softly. Ian sat up and reached over his boyfriend to switch off the lamp on the small table beside the bed before lying back down in the darkness.

They both wrapped their arms around each other in the darkness getting lost in their own thoughts when Mickey felt Ian move before blurting out "I dont know who I am anymore, everyone thinks I'm crazy" not adding I feel so lost but something told him Mickey already knew just how lost he felt. Mickey just hugged Ian tighter again resting his forehead against Ian's not even hesitating with "I dont think youre crazy and I'm on your side in this shit and we're not done either so just remember that" firmly.

Ian squeezed his eyes shut not wanting to start crying again as he felt something inside him shift and realised he felt not alone. He knew there was something wrong with him and had been for a long time and he couldnt deny it anymore. He didnt think he could face all of this alone but since Mickey came back to him he felt like he could face the bipolar just once he had Mickey on his side to help him through all of this mess. He just wanted all of this to be some bad dream that he would wake up from soon but he knew it wasnt a dream and it was a nightmare that was now his reality.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two. This is mostly Ian's internal thoughts.

Ian just felt like he was struggling a lot and he felt like he was swimming against a tide that was determined to see him drown. He was so tired and just wanted to give up, he was tired fighting against everything and trying not to be like Monica. Ever since he moved back in with Mickey after the night when he came home from the hospital he just didn't feel strong enough to get his life back.

Getting stable and some control over his life again was a lot harder than he thought it would be but for some reason he still hadn't given up completely. He hated that he fought with his family, his boyfriend and generally pushed everyone away at every chance he got to drive them away from him for good. He hated himself so much that he felt everyone else should hate him because he just felt wrong and he felt like everyone thought that about him too.

Even though he tried to say he wasn't broken the words felt empty and he knew he was just lying to himself. It didn't make him feel any better when Mickey told him he wasn't broken because Ian just felt like Mickey was wrong. He was wrong because Ian knew that deep inside he was broken and felt so lost too and he couldn't lie to himself anymore. It took months before he got a combination of meds that didn't make him feel trapped in a medicated haze and not able to feel anything.

At one point he started cutting himself just to feel something but the sting of a fresh cut or burn only lasted for a fleeting moment. And then it would be gone and he would be back to feeling nothing but empty. It took a few more months and a few med changes before he found the combination that worked for him and made him feel balanced. He was even more surprised that Mickey never left even when the meds stopped working and Ian made it very easy for him to leave but Mickey always stayed even when he gave Ian space too.

Ian knew Mickey helped a lot and did everything he could to help but Ian just felt he was a burden on his boyfriend especially since Mickey was running dangerous scams for money that could lead to him getting caught and put in jail. Ian just hated that he was forcing his boyfriend into this situation and he knew something needed to change because he didn't want Mickey getting caught and he didn't want to lose his boyfriend. Ian knew he couldn't let that happen so he decided he was going to talk to his boyfriend and it was something he also discussed in therapy because he just wanted some independence back in his life.

Ever since his meds levelled out a while ago Ian felt like he was ready to start living his life again and he knew he couldn't do it if he didn't have any independence because being self reliant was always a part of who he was as a person. Even though Ian told Fiona he was moving in with Mickey he still had to tell his sister to back off and let him live his life on his terms.

Even though she was hurt she told him she understood and that she would always be there if he needed help. For that reason Ian decided the best thing he ever did was leave that house because he got on much better with his family now after he told them he needed to back off and stop trying to control his disorder. Ian was taking small steps in getting his life back on track even though he was still struggling with everything but he knew he felt much better than he did the day he came home from the hospital.

He still felt lost but he no longer felt like he was dying and couldn't breathe but he knew his boyfriend helped him a lot and he knew he would have been lost without Mickey to talk to about everything in his head. He really hated talking about his disorder but his therapist pushed him to talk to Mickey until eventually Ian just asked Mickey to join him in his therapy sessions because it was easier to talk about things on neutral ground in the therapists office. It meant that when they got home they could forget about what was said in that office unless Ian wanted to talk some more about what was going on in his head.

* * *

 

Ian had just left another one of his therapy sessions walked out of the building into the cold winter air to see Mickey sitting on the wall waiting for him while smoking a cigarette. Ian stood in the door way of the building with a smile on his face not expecting to see Mickey as Mickey had been out of town for a few days laying low with his brother. Mickey had been pulling some scams with Iggy for cash to pay for Ian's meds and when the cops came sniffing both brothers decided to lay low for a few days until things calmed down.

Ian stuffed his hands in the pockets of the jacket he was sure belonged to Mickey as he walked down the steps and stood in front of Mickey asking "when did you get back, thought you were meant to be gone until the heat died down" lightly. Mickey scoffed and looked up at Ian with a soft smile on his face thinking he missed his favourite red head so much in a short amount of time while silently finishing off the cigarette and throwing it on the ground.

He licked his lips as he stood up moving closer to Ian blurting out before he could stop it "I missed you so came back early, anyway things should have calmed down by now" knowing he wasn't lying because he had been gone for three days. Ian softly laughed not hiding the smile on his face or looking away replying "yeah same here but I just don't want you to get caught" softly.

Mickey rolled his eyes before looking around the busy street and seeing no immediate threats rested his hands on Ian's hips and looked at him replying "it was worth the risk" firmly as he stepped closer to Ian not adding we need the money. Ian scoffed shaking his head while looking at the ground before looking at Mickey blurting out "you're a fucking idiot" lightly.

Mickey laughed replying "look Mandy said things had calmed down so we came back" softly. Mandy had come back to Chicago three months ago after the abusive asshole she left with nearly killed her one night and Mandy decided she had enough and left in the middle of the night and never heard from the asshole again. Ian pulled Mickey closer to him not looking away replying "maybe Mandy should do these scams since she wouldn't nearly get caught" humouredly.

Mickey lightly pushed Ian away with his hands before pulling Ian back by grabbing the front of his coat retorting "fuck you, the only reason the cops don't suspect her is because she doesn't have a fucking record but she does the same fucking scams" lightly. Ian shook his head knowing Mandy was just as bad replying "yeah whatever" lightly. They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian mumbled "can we go home now, I'm cold" softly.

Mickey nodded in agreement before adding "yeah lets get out of here" softly. They both walked down the street in silence and made their way home as Ian wondered how to say what he needed to say to his boyfriend. It all seemed so easy in his therapy session but now that he was out on his own it was much harder but he knew he had to do it.

* * *

 

When they got home to the house Ian didn't get the chance to talk since Mandy and Iggy were in the house watching TV and smoking weed and drinking beer. As Ian and Mickey joined them on the other sofa Ian just felt like he was home even though a lot of things had changed in the last few months. Ian knew he needed to say something but he just wished he could find the words to say without sounding like an ungrateful asshole.

At first he decided to wait until the movie was over but then he decided he would talk to Mickey first in private knowing Mickey would probably take it personally and wouldn't want the discussion in front of anyone else. Ian made the right choice because that night when they were lying in bed beside each other Ian turned onto his side facing Mickey blurting out before he could stop it "I need to talk about something" softly.

Mickey looked shocked as he moved to lie on his side and pulled the covers up over their naked bodies while moving closer to Ian mumbling "the fuck for" not able to hide how scared he was of this conversation. Ian hated that he made his boyfriend looked scared as he reached his hand out to grab Mickey's hand in his own replying "its not what you think, I'm not breaking up with you" softly.

Ian knew he had a lot of those 'reasons why they should break up' arguments with Mickey when he was trying to get stable with his meds but Mickey told him stop pushing him away because he didn't want to break up. It was hard for Ian to get stable and come to terms with being bipolar and part of that struggle was accepting that Mickey loved him and wanted to be with him but Ian thought he was doing Mickey a favour by breaking up with him.

But Mickey wasn't having it and told Ian he wasn't going anywhere and to stop using his disorder as an excuse to push him away and to stop making his choices for him when he chose to be with Ian. Mickey glared at the red head grumbling "fucking better not be" angrily. Ian grimaced before looking up at Mickey replying "I'm scared of you getting caught" softly.

Mickey pulled himself right up against Ian replying "that only happened because we pulled the same one too many times, we're done with that one and we've enough money to last for the next few months" firmly. Ian let go of Mickey's hand and rested it on his ribs instead not looking away replying "but what if you get caught, I cant let that happen" softly.

Mickey let out a sigh of frustration resting his hand on Ian's waist replying "you need meds Ian, I don't care just once you're okay, I fucking love you" firmly and just about stopping himself from adding I'd do anything for you but the silent words hung in the air. Ian softly smiled knowing it was true replying "I know but your no good to me in jail" humouredly.

Mickey scoffed replying "fuck you asshole" lightly kicking Ian on the shin with his foot. A silence fell as Ian pushed his leg in between Mickey's to get closer to him hesitantly blurting out "I've been thinking about getting a job, get some independence, my therapist thinks its a good idea, starting to feel a bit useless lately" softly. Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head looking at him replying "is that what you want to do" curiously.

Ian looked up at him replying "yeah, means I'm not relying on you, Iggy and Mandy to get cash to pay for them, should be me paying for them and I know Fiona chips in when she can but I just feel like I'm freeloading" softly. Mickey wasn't having it raising his eyebrows scoffing "you're not fucking freeloading, we do this shit because we want to and we need money too you know" firmly.

Ian nodded "i know but I just like doing things for myself, I've always worked, just want my life back" softly. Mickey kind of saw Ian's point and he knew it was probably a good idea because they were getting too much heat over the scams but he was willing to risk it for Ian. But he just wanted Ian to be happy and if getting a job made Ian happy then Ian could do whatever the hell he wanted just once he was happy and Mickey wasn't going to stop him from doing what he wanted because Ian knew his limits.

Mickey silently looked at Ian while lightly rubbing the back of his neck before rolling on top of Ian and resting between his legs looking down at Ian. He noticed the way Ian slightly bit his lip and looked over his face while Mickey couldn't stop thinking this right here was the happiest he ever was considering how Ian was six months ago. Ian rested his hands on Mickey's hips looking up at him with a small grin on his face that met his eyes before biting his lip with nothing but lust, want and need in his eyes.

Mickey scoffed and smirked at Ian before blurting out "I've got a job for you right now though" not hiding the innuendo in his voice. Ian laughed before reaching up and kissing his boyfriend while grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him down on top of him wondering what the hell was he freaking out about all day.

Ian felt like the last six months had been the worst especially the first three but now things just felt easier even though he was still waiting for it to all come crashing down again. But for now he just wanted to remain in this bubble he had with his boyfriend because it was all he needed and he didn't care at all as to how that thought sounded to anyone else outside of their bedroom.

* * *

 

Ian woke up wrapped around his boyfriend while facing the door of their bedroom as the sunlight crept into through the curtains lighting up the room. He pulled himself right up against Mickey's back burying his face into his neck and inhaling the familair smell he loved so much that it actually scared him if he lost what he had here right now. Ian didnt know why he needed Mickey so much but it scared him how much he depended on his boyfriend.

It was probably half the reason why he was trying to gain back some independance. He had spoken about it in therapy, spoken about how he was so afraid he was relying too much on his boyfriend that it would push Mickey away from him eventually. He didnt care that his therapist told him it was good to have people to rely on and trust in his life. The problem was that while he loved his family and Mandy he didnt trust them as much as he trusted his boyfriend.

There was also other fears plauging his mind too that he never voiced out loud and he was afraid it was just another paranoid delusion so he remained silent. He was afraid Terry would be released from jail and he was even more afraid Monica would make a reappearance in his life too. Even worse than that was he was afraid Terry would come back and kill Mickey or kill them both for loving each other.

Ian didnt want to be here anymore, he didnt feel safe here anymore because he was afraid it would all come crashing down and there would be nothing he could do about it because it would be too late. He just felt like all of the last year was too good to be true. He was also afraid that his stability wouldnt last and that Mickey would decide he had enough and would leave him for someone better that didnt have bipolar disorder.

Ian wondered if he should break up with Mickey but he already tried that months ago and Mickey told him to stop because he wasnt going anywhere. Ian belived his words but it didnt stop the fear growing in his head. It didnt stop those taunting whispers that mocked him from the darkest corners of his mind every now and again. He knew he shouldnt listen to them but since his meds hadnt stopped working yet it just fuelled the fear that Mickey would leave even though Mickey had already seen how bad Ian could get when the meds stopped working.

Ian was just waiting on it to happen again because he knew it would and it was just a matter of when they would stop working and then his fears would become his truth. All he could do right now as he stared at the door was wait for it to happen and hold onto tightly to the one person he was so scared of losing and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.

He was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey elbow him in his ribs mumbling "will you fucking let me go" tiredly. Mickey had started to waken up when he felt a tight grip around his waist and he knew Ian was lost in his own head again. That was when he elbowed Ian in the ribs and turned over to face Ian asking again "the fucks wrong you" in a concerned voice and expression. Ian blinked slightly shaking his head looking over at a small spider crawling along the wall by the door replying "nothing" in a whisper.

Mickey knew Ian was lying as he ran his hand along Ian's ribs taking comfort in the warmth under the covers replying "you sure because you dont look like its nothing" softly. Ian swallowed the dry lump in his throat slightly shifting closer to Mickey and then looked at him hesitantly replying "just worrying about shit" softly hoping Mickey would let it drop. It didnt happen since Mickey asked "like what" curiously.

As much as Mickey hated talking about stuff he did it for Ian after his therapist told them both that Ian needed an outlet for his thoughts so Mickey took on himself to be that outlet. He didnt care that the whole talking thing made him uncomfortable but he was getting used to it and he didnt mind talking to Ian about the stuff in his own head too.

They fell into a comfortable silence and Mickey let it happen knowing that Ian would talk in his own time so he pushed a little closer to Ian so they were pressed right up against each other and pulled the covers up over them a little more as he felt Ian's breath fan out over his face. Ian let his eyes close as he felt the warmth under the covers from their body heat make him feel sleepy again but he knew he had to take his meds soon which he hated a lot and he wasnt sure if it was something would ever get used to either.

Ian kept his eyes closed and just blurted out all of what he had been thinking since had been awake as it was easier to talk if he kept his eyes closed. He was surprised at how easily it tumbled out of his mouth but he kept his eyes closed afraid of the reaction from his boyfriend. He didnt know what he was expecting but when he opened his eyes to look at Mickey he was surprised to see Mickey just looked as scared as he was too.

Mickey squeezed his eyes shut and pulled Ian closer to him biting his lip anxiously looking down at Ian's collarbone hesitantly blurting out "I'm scared he's going to come back too, just waiting for it to happen" in a small whisper. A tense silence fell before Mickey looked up at Ian blurting out "I dont know what I'd do if he came after you again" sadly. They both had never spoken of that day when Terry caught them in the living room when he came back early from being out of town.

Ian blamed himself for that day so much lightly squeezing his boyfriend with his arms not looking away replying "I'm sorry about that day, should have left, I know its my fault" not hiding the guilt in his voice. Mickey wasnt having it pushing back some of Ian's hair from his face with his hand not looking away from Ian replying "its not your fault Ian, its my own, I let my gaurd down" softly. They fell into a silence knowing there was nothing they could say about that awful day to make them feel better.

Mickey let his hand rest on the back of Ian's neck lightly pulling on the red strands not looking away adding "just knew I had to protect you, its why I married Svetlana, I really didnt want to but he said he'd kill you if I didnt do it" pausing before adding "couldnt let that happen" softly not adding but then you left me anyway. Ian hated the nausous feeling blurting out "and I still left, should have fucking known you needed me" in a self loathing tone.

Mickey disagreed replying "didnt make it easy for you to stay, I wasnt ready to admit that I was gay, I was only ready to admit it when you were gone, I missed you so fucking much and it was my own fault because I was too weak to make you stay, to tell you that I wanted you to stay" softly. Ian rested he forehead against Mickey's whispering "well I'm staying for good this time and I'm sorry for leaving you" not hiding the seriousness in his voice.

Another silence fell and Mickey believed him before replying "but if and when he comes back we'll deal with it okay, knowing that asshole he's probably added to his fucking sentence already" firmly. It didnt really settle the unease Ian felt but it would do for now as he blurted out "and if he finds out about Svetlana being gone" curiously. After Mickey told Svetlana she could leave the day she tried to throw Ian's stuff in the trash he never heard from her again after she left the house but not before she told him the kid wasnt his as dates didnt match.

Mickey softly smiled at Ian replying "fuck him, kid's not mine anyway, before she left she told me it wasnt mine as the conception and due dates didnt match up or something" softly. Ian's eyes widened in shock blurting out "shit" softly. Mickey let out a sigh before adding "kind of relieved actually, couldnt look at the kid for months, you were more of a father to that kid then I ever was, couldnt look at him without thinking of that day" sadly.

Ian softly smiled letting his hand trail along Mickey's spine replying "it wasnt his fault that fucked up day happened" softly. Mickey nodded in agreement replying "I know that now but when Terry told me she was pregnant it was like I could never get away from it but he used it against me again, said he would kill you if I didnt marry her and be a father, think he knew it wasnt mine but used it to control me" hating that he was saying all of this to Ian.

Ian felt angry letting shaking his head in disgust "you could have told me, we could have run away or something" softly. Mickey wished it was that easy scoffing "wake the fuck up, you really think he wouldnt follow us, you think he hasnt fag bashed before that day" icily. Mickey knew what Terry was capeable of adding "the asshole forced me to go on one of those fag bashes when I was thirteen under the pretence of that it would make me a fuckin man, if I didnt go it would have drawn attention on me which I didnt fucking want" angrily.

Ian couldnt believe Terry's fucked up idea of masculinity as he rested his hand on the back of Mickey's neck replying "its okay, I get it" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian visibly relaxing as he whispered "good" softly. Ian didnt look away as he pushed on a little more whispering "youre free now" with a soft smile. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "yeah whatever" dismissevely. Mickey really didnt want to talk about this anymore deciding to change the conversation lightly tugging on Ian's hair with his hand.

When Ian looked at him he blurted out "but Ian dont worry about when the meds stop working, I'm still not fucking leaving you, its me, you, us and all that shit, youre it for me so get it into your head" firmly not hiding how much he meant it. Ian saw how serious Mickey was and he knew his boyfriend meant those words and let them sink in before shaking his head mumbling "yeah" softly.

Mickey pulled Ian closer to him blurting out "and if Monica shows us we will deal with it but please stop worrying about shit, if its going to happen, its going to happen" firmly. Ian knew he was right in what he said but it was hard not to worry but he decided he was going to try because he couldnt go on like this anymore. Ian let out a sigh shaking his head replying "yeah youre right" softly.

Another comfortable silence fell before Ian sat up deciding to take his meds now and just before he got out of bed Mickey grabbed his arm pulling him back as he sat up in the bed. He moved closer to Ian resting his hand on the back of his head as they silently looked at each other before he blurted out "I love you Ian, just remember that when your thoughts go all over the place again" genuinely.

Ian looked over Mickey's face for any hint of doubt and when he saw none he softly smiled looking down at Mickey's hand on his arm before looking up replying "yeah I will and I love you too" softly. Mickey grinned at that as Ian lunged forward grabbing the back of Mickey's neck and kissing him intensely and stopped before it got too heated. He grinned at Mickey before getting out of the bed and threw on some jeans and a tshirt as Mickey lay back down mumbling "go take your pills" humoredly knowing that Ian was able to joke about it now.

As Ian walked around the bed he hit Mickey on the legs while looking at the amused look on Mickey's face muttering "fuck you asshole" lightly as he got his meds out of the bottles on the top of the drawers. Ian raised his middle finger to Mickey as he walked towards the door and left the room to the sound of Mickey laughing and went into the kitchen for a glass of water feeling much better than he did when he woke up knowing that Mickey right in what he said to him.

That he needed to stop worrying about shit hadnt happened yet, needed to stop blaming himself for things out of his control and needed to stop being so hard on himself too but he would try. He knew he would try as he swallowed his meds with glass of water because he didnt see what else he could do about this situation. He was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey wrap his arms around him from behind and rub his hands along his stomach and chest leaving a light kiss between his shoulder blades before going to make breakfast leaving Ian to think he really was lucky.

It scared him how much he needed his boyfriend but he knew it was better than trying to manage his disorder alone and for some reason Mickey was all in with trying to help him with it too. It made it all much easer and Ian decided there and then he wasnt living in his head anymore and going to live his life as it was right now because that was more important.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for liking and reading this story. I know its not my best and I've written better. I wrote it in between stories last year and wasn't happy with it and still not happy with it but just thought I'd share it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


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